Emptiness (it’s a good thing)

August 17, 2004 at 8:42 pm | In Uncategorized |

The last 24 hours have been a wild ride. Today when talking about the deep feelings that started last night and were slightly less all-consuming today, it was pointed out to me that I chose the word “aloneness” rather than lonliness. This is absolutely correct because with lonlineness, I can reach out to other people and the feeling can lessen. With aloneness, however, the number of true, deep, real connections I have does not matter one bit. This aloneness is the profound feeling that I will die all alone, inside my body. At the same time, this aloneness feels like a cleansing (thanks Ashley!) of the dependence on those external, provisional, apparent, ego-type connections. Without a real connection with myself, none of the rest of it matters. When I do feel that connection with myself, then “thus every particle dating back to that 1st star is interdependent with me.”

In any event, this process of the last 24 hours has shown me just how much I distract myself in daily life. It’s not as if this aloneness is just now showing itself for the first time. It’s always been there and I’ve always run away from it before. Now I welcome it. Thanks Universe!

4 Comments

  1. hi ted,

    thanks for sharing with us your process. it’s always comforting to know that others go through some of the same spinnings that i find myself in… and encouraging to see how others navigate.

    lots of love,
    ashley

    Comment by ashley — August 18, 2004 #

  2. I really appreciate you being with me through this process, Ashley. lots of love to you too, ted

    Comment by Ted Ernst — August 19, 2004 #

  3. It’s tough for men to “hug” each other, much more often than not. I like the image of reaching out a strong, firm, warm hand, or walking shoulder to shoulder as equal human “brothers”.

    Ted, I read of your encounter with a profoound feeling on my frist look at Omidyar.net.

    This “net” is quite a place. Know that I have held you in warm thought for a moment and wish you well, and some clarity as you look into your (and our) abyss.

    Comment by Jon Husband — August 28, 2004 #

  4. Jon, thanks for being here. I really like your imagery. Walking together feels really good. (the whole physical contact between men issue will have to wait for another day and a post of it’s own)

    Comment by Ted Ernst — September 2, 2004 #

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